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In Reply to: can people change? Posted on Sunday, December 30, 2001 at 9:07PM :
Can people change? I don't really know the answer to that one. But it seems like you and your
husband have started down a good road to recovery, if he is in counseling, dealing with his
past issues, and then the fact that both you and him are going to be starting counseling together.
Hopefully with this counseling, you two can get to the bottom of his secret "friendships"
and all the lying. I know it will be a long road back to trusting him again, but like I said
before, hopefully, the counseling will be a good starting point to healing for both of you.
As for your last statement about him not putting in as much effort as you are, it seems to me
that he is putting in some effort by getting the counseling, not only for himself, but for you
and him as a couple as well. So I would say that he is at least trying. But obviously, I don't
know him like you do. I wish you only the best, and that with the counseling and reading the
self-help books that you two can get back to a healthy relationship. Good luck to you, and my
thoughts will be with you.
Posted on Thursday, January 03, 2002 at 11:30AM :
I am a married man with 3 kids and been married over 12 years. We've had some ups and downs,
but nothing different than most couples.
Well, my wife went out with friends one night and came home drunk, and told me (after me asking
many questions) that she had sex with another man.
I was totally blown away. Of all the things that could happen in my marriage, I never EVER
thought this could happen to me. We've always respected each other, loved each other, been equally
active in parenting, everything.
I couldn't believe she was telling me this. I was in my car, leaving, but she begged me to stay.
It has been almost 4 months since this happen, but I am sad most days.
We've both seen counselors separately, and together, and have decided to work things out.
I still love her very much, and with two kids that I love so much, I really can't see a divorce
being the right decision.
She is very sorry, and upset with herself. She says she wants nothing more in the world than
to make things right with me.
I believe her; it's just so hard, as I think about that night every day.
When will I stop thinking about it? When will I stop getting visuals of the act in my head?
When will I stop being sad?
My wife is a very attractive, loving, independent, outgoing woman, who men really like. I have
been told by many men how lucky I am to have her. I see the way men look at her, and know it
to be true.
I was never jealous of this before, but now I am.
I always thought before: who cares if men look at her? I'm the only one she loves and goes home
with. Now that's not true. The one thing in my life I knew for certain, isn't for certain anymore.
It used to make me feel so good to know I was the only one in her life. It made ME feel special.
That this very attractive, fun, loving woman who everybody loves, LOVES ME. We were virgins
when we met, and have only had sex with each other, until now. Now, I know in today's world,
that never happens, but I felt so good knowing it was true with us. Now I don't have that.
Since the incident (D-day as I guess you guys call it), we have really been working on our
relationship and making time to spend together. She listens and lets me vent, and cry (I do
that quite often).
So I guess we are on the road to recovery. So why am I still feeling so sad? If I feel the
same way I did when it happened, how will I ever get over it? Can I?
In Reply to: "Hello everybody..." posted on Thursday, January 03, 2002 at 11:30AM
First, you absolutely are in the right place! This is a wonderfully wise, sensitive, and supportive
BB filled with all kinds of folks in all kinds of situations, but we all share the commonality
of pain through infidelity.
Next, you are heard and cared about here. I feel what you are going through since my d-day
happened in July, at about the same time as it happened to you. I hurt and ache and cry everyday
I can only offer to you the two things that will ultimately make the greatest difference and
will be the biggest helps: time and patience. Give yourself permission to grieve and give yourself
time to heal. You need to be exactly where you are right now but, with each day, you will get
better and less sad and more trusting. You see, she still loves you and wants this to work out
and will do whatever it takes to put your marriage back on track.
I can say that because you have what I don't have: a W who says that she's very sorry and who
"wants nothing more than to make things right with me." Until I have that too, my
healing is very much on hold. In that way, you are very fortunate and things could easily be
an awful lot worse for you; at least you're actively working on your relationship.
I see a lot of good things going for you in this. Your situation appears to be a one-time-only,
bad judgment, too much alcohol, poor timing A. Remember that you didn't cause this to happen--it
wasn't your fault. I do think there is great value in examining what in your marriage may have
led to this brief mis-alliance for your wife; something allowed it to rush yourself; don't forget,
you need to be exactly where you are right now. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
In Reply to: goodbye to this stinky year posted on Monday, December 31, 2001 at 1:12PM :
For me, this has been the worst year of my life and I, like you, can't wait for it to end.
I can't believe the pain and anguish in my life in 2001. I have to trust that 2002 will be
better for all of us. The trouble is, even though tomorrow is a new year, the old hurts are
Can we look forward to brighter tomorrows and a peaceful, pain-free life? I wish that for you
and for all of the posters on this board. We all hurt far too often and far too much.
In Reply to: Less of a Person? posted on Wednesday, January 02, 2002 at 2:50PM :
Betrayal, for me, emptied me completely. The heartbreak very nearly killed me. Really. I had
only the barest minimum of self left in the first days after d-day.
But both my wife and I wanted our marriage to live and be at the center of our lives.
It takes time, as OWNM says, but if you are fortunate enough to have a spouse who will put
their emotional life on the line with you, stay through the talking and the weeping and the
painful changing, if you are lucky enough to have some really good outside help (counselor,
clergy, friend - all of the above), you can find an amazing life.
Slowly, I found that I am more of a person, stronger and more genuine than I ever imagined
- ever. It took my wife longer, but she, too, is finding that she is real and forgiven and capable
of true joy once again.
We are each more of a person now than before d-day... and I dare say we are each more of a
person than we were before the infidelity.
It can happen.
In Reply to: 1st Anniversary posted on Saturday, January 05, 2002 at 8:11PM :
Give yourself Time and Patience. The old-timers on this board are right; it does get easier.
Each day, when you get up, you're one day closer to peace-of-mind and happiness. Can you see
it? No! Can you depend upon it? Absolutely! Am I there yet? No! Do I know it's coming? Yes!
I'm only four months from d-day and it's still almost as raw and painful as the moment I learned
about it. The key word there is "almost." I'm a tad better but only that. We all just
have to hang in and know that brighter and better days are coming. This is the hardest thing
I've ever gone through and I'm not out of the woods yet by any means; there's still an awful
lot of territory to cover. But...one step at a time, one hour at a time, and somehow we make
I hear you and feel where you are and I'm sorry. We help each other so much by being here and
sharing our stories and our pain. We realize that we're not alone (even though it certainly
feels that way) and that there are others out there who understand and who care.
Know that this community is willing and able to help shoulder the burden and ease the hurt.
These people know where we're coming from. I am helped so much by their presence.
Please post again soon and let us know how you're doing. We care...
In Reply to: Re: The grand "trust" issue posted on Saturday, January 05, 2002 at
Thank you, thank you, for your generous, giving, supportive response. It means the world to
me to have these feelings acknowledged and validated. Today, I feel just a little less alone,
knowing that I share this with my friends in this room. It is almost beyond description to feel
this despondent and check into the room the next morning and hear such comforting words. I think
today I am going to chose to be grateful and pass it forward! Again, thank you for listening,
responding during this challenging, grieving, moment in my life. The anger is overwhelming at
times (most of the time!) and, you have sent this wonderful message that it is OK. And I am
determined to work through the feelings; the support however, makes it possible. As always,
my best to you and my fellow room members.
In Reply to: The grand "trust" issue revisited posted on Sunday, January 06, 2002
at 9:19AM :
Good morning my friend, and how wonderful that you have asked for me! I had a peaceful and
reflective day yesterday, most of which I attribute to yours and other board member's kind,
kind support. I exercised, thought about the GOOD men and women in this world and how much I
look forward to including, sharing with these people. Some of the rage and betrayal I feel seem
to really get worked through by sharing with you and others here. How lucky feel and how grateful
I feel to have found this room. I send back to you all of the positive energy and bright hope
that you have given me. Be well!