Welcome...
I am sorry that you have come to this page. There is a lot of information on this page to help you.
Learn more about Individual and couples Telephone Consultations. Click on tab to learn more. From time to time I will be offering
FREE 30 minute sessions.
Together you and I will put our heads together and look at your situation. You will leave this strategy session with ideas. I look forward to talking with you and sharing my ideas to help you move forward.
I can help you and your partner move beyond infidelity and to move you to give up the painful past. I help a couple whose unfaithful spouse won't give up the affair immediately.
Is Your Spouse Having an Affair?
It is so devastating to discover that your spouse is involved in infidelity. The glue that kept your marriage together has disolved. The glue was "trust"
Many people say that if their spouse has an affair, there is no question that the marriage would be over. However, when faced with infidelity or affairs, I have found that it isn't quite that easy or clear, especially if there are children involved. It's important for you to know, that you can heal from infidelity. Affairs are not a marital death sentence. Read: Straight Talk about Betrayal - A Self-Help Guide for Couples" a short book that you and your spouse can read.
Here are some ideas that you can use to help get through this time. Just pick what feels right for you. The first thing to do is try to reduce all the stress in your life as much as possible. These ideas will help you to be calm and relaxed and to cope with what is ahead of you.
How to Cope
Breathe. Affirm you are alive and you are going to get through this time.
Eat right
Make good choices. Eat protein, fruits and vegetables.
Exercise (with the approval of your MD)
Keep your body moving as much as you can. Gentle stretching is good. Taking walks are great. Chair exercises work too. Excercise will help with your moods. Research shows that excercise helps depression. (Read my article on exercise and depression). You may feel fatiqued, have body aches, but don't feel alarmed. As you heal it will ease up.
Meditate
Meditating can help alleviate a lot of emotional stress. Meditation can keep you calm. You can use relaxation tapes, or meditation CDS. You can listen to nice paeceful music. You can use vsualization by thinking of a clam soothing and peaceful place.
Get a massage
Find someone you trust and enjoy. The whole point is to feel good.
Keep a journal - See article below on journaling.
Support Groups -
This is a place to talk and share with other people who have had similar experiences. Some people say it is helpful but other people do not find it helpful. There is no right or wrong answer. It is your decision to att4end. Ask yourself what is your style and how have you coped with
serious situations in the past?
Let people know what is going on
This is your decision to make it a private matter. Talk to only trusted people that will support whatever decision you make.
Feel Gratitude - List 5 things every day your are grateful for. It is helpful to practice feeling grateful for the little and big things. Notice the beauty around you. Notice the sunlight on the trees. Find joy and delight in the world around you even though the world feels very ugly right now. This is the time to nurture yourseslf to promote your healing.
Watch a funny movie - Laugh your guts out. Laughter is healing! Laughter actually produces some good chemicals in your body to promote healing.
It is okay to feel all of your feelings. Do not judge yourself harshly. Give yourself pemission to slow down and take a break right now, to pause and simply be.
All good wishes as you move forward.
PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT THE SUPPORT GROUP IS NOW CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE. If you have arrived at this page and you do not know who I am just poke around my site and read the information below. You can also read ABOUT DONNA
History: The support group was started in 1998.It was open to everyone. At the time, the internet was in the infant stages. Modern technology was expensive and it was costly to keep intruders out. A 24- hour management was necessary. No longer could I manage the thousands and thousands of participants who would come in and abuse the members. That is when the group closed and a fee for service was charged for membership.
Surprisingly, while members joined the fee-for-service group they did not participate and would visit to read only. They were encouraged to participate but didn't. Discouraged, they left. There are more and more free sites today with more sophisticated technology and it just didn't feel right charging people when they didn't get the full benefit of the support group and now with the economy the way it is it is harder for people to make ends meet.
I am happy that people are finding support, healing and hope through the internet today and I feel proud to be a pioneer in creating internet support groups.
Life's journey is filled with moments of wonderment and joy, yet at other times moments of grief and pain. I will serve as your guide along this journey into your personal wholeness.
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INFIDELITY REFLECTIONS
This is the latest review from a client:
The excerpts from other people who've experienced infidelity gave me strength--especially in the area
of repeated thoughts and anger. My husband and my mother-in-law were trying to make me feel as though I just wasn't "getting over these emotions" fast enough--even though it had only been 7 MONTHS since I found everything out before I got your book. Finding out that it was
normal to have fluctuating anger, repeated thoughts and images gave me such relief. Thank you, Donna for this book.
M.R.
Another Review:
I finished the book and it did help a great deal. Listening to the stories of so many people who have come out of the other side of this kind of situation gives me hope for my own future. Thank you for the opportunity to read it.
LB
(Due to privacy and confidentiality - No names will be published)
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The most exciting and fulfilling part of my practice is being a part of my client's growth. It is an honor to partner with them through their journey. I continue to do my work with loving care, sensitivity, compassion and wisdom. I have had years of experience working with men and women who have had affairs, or other relationship issues, and I have helped couples restore their trust and/or move forward in their lives.
Call me for a one-on-one. 561-685-3933
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COMING SOON! Spa Retreat for Hurt Partners in February 2009 in sunny Florida. Call me for details. 561-685-3933
Spa Retreat for Couples! Spend your valentines day healing in sunny Florida. Call me for details. 561-685-3933
Time is running out! If your relationship is stuck and
you can't seem to move beyond the problems created by a infidelity, don't miss this chance. I will help you and
your partner come to a common understanding of what's happened and help you work together. You will leave the weekend with hope and a new sense of direction. I will even provide an after care program of support. Isn't it time you recover?
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Psychoedcuation News 2009
Is Infidelity on the Rise?
I am seeing more couples in my office who are wounded by infidelity. Our political representatives have been forced to admit to their affairs. And now Tiger Woods is in the news for infidelity issues. It is unclear what is true. The media will hound him until he makes a statement. A proper assessment is needed to determine whether it is a sexual addiction - which is an impulsive act and total loss of control and the inability to stop even though it goes against ones own values. Once his therapist makes a diagnosis they will start on a treatment plan. A sexual addiction is very different than a one time affair and the recovery process is different. At any rate, I wish Tiger Woods and his family well.
Unfortunately, the problem of affairs/infidelity has been with us forever. We are just talking about affairs openly today. Since President Clinton's admission, it has gotten a lot of press coverage. Is this a good to have so much press regarding infidelity?
We are also hearing from more men whose wives have had affairs too. Society is struggling to understand the dynamics regarding why affairs happen? The media continues to search for the answers. Over the years I have watched new websites and support groups continue to pop up. Oprah and Dr. Phil are continuously seeking guests to discuss the subject. More researchers are spending their time on projects designed to get more information and make sense of this age-old problem.
If you have read all the information on other websites you may have noticed that the advice given is not very different. There is similar approach to healing relationships. The difference is- what you do with the information is most important. You will need to have confidence in your therapist. I am a seasoned therapist with years of experience and have helped heal many couples.
But what if you have a partner doesn't get it. Doesn't want to change or not willing to look inside? What do I do? How do I heal? My advice is to call a therapist and work on you.
We have come along way!
Unfortunately and sadly, affairs/infidelity/betrayal is here to stay, and many people will continue to be hurt. The good news is that there are strategies to avoid affairs and techniques to recover after an affair occurs. No longer does the individual or couple have to feel isolated and alone.
The big question I frequently get which disturbs hurt partners........
If my partner really loved me.....how could they do this to me? It is a concept that is difficult to understand.
I will be able to address this in our counseling session.
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PREVENTING AFFAIRS BECAUSE THEY DO HAPPEN! ...WORDS OF CAUTION!
You probably wonder how you can prevent an affair from happening in your marriage. One way is to confide in your partner. Your partner should be the person who is closest to you. By connecting with another person on the deepest emotional level, you are inviting trouble. It is easy to be attracted to someone of the opposite sex especially if you feel your spouse doesn't understand you. Infatuation interferes with good judgment. It is compared to a powerful drug.
If you feel you cannot open up honestly to your partner, you are at risk for an affair. Talking openly about your feelings of wanting to have an affair is helpful in avoiding an affair. So the question is; can I have a friendship with the opposite sex? (Please read the article on BOUNDARIES) Sometimes if there is a very strong erotic connection, setting boundaries is hard to do.
If this hits home we can explore these feelings in our counseling session.
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Infidelity Hurts! Don't let anyone kid you that the pain of infidelity is easy to get through! If you want to stay in your marriage it takes a lot of hard work. Often the unfaithful partner does not want to talk about the affair. "Just get over it" because "I told you everything”, is not the remedy to heal the relationship. There are skills needed to get through the recovery process.
I will be able to teach you what it takes to mend your relationship.
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Are you able to identify if your marriage is worth saving?
There are many steps to recovery. If you take the steps seriously and work through the process that I have outlined in the book "Straight Talk about Betrayal - A Self-Help Guide for Couples you will be closer to your recovery.
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For the Hurt Partner
Are you wondering how to get over intrusive thoughts?
Are you visualizing the affair? Are you afraid to trust again?
Can you express your anger without turning your partner off?
Can you learn to forgive?
Do you want to make changes?
Do you need to make a decision to stay or to go?
Do you want to learn how to maintain your self-esteem?
Are you concerned about relapse?
If you are looking for answers to these questions, contact me so I can teach you how to work through the pain and process of recovery. I will teach you how to take control of your pain.
I will be able to help you find the strength to make positive decisions for your future.
For the Unfaithful Hurt Partner:
Do you want to learn what it takes to rebuild trust?
Should I tell my partner the x-rated details about the affair? Is it helpful? How much should I divulge?
Do you want to know how to express anger in a constructive way?
Do you want to learn how to create a safe environment for your hurt partner?
Do you want to stay in your marriage?
Do you want to identify the areas of your marriage that need improvement?
Do you want your partner to forgive you?
Can you continue to see your lover?
Do you feel guilty and ashamed?
If you are bothered by these thoughts, contact me so I can teach you how to recover. I will teach you how to control these feelings and teach you how to get over to the side of recovery.
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Hurt and Unfaithful Hurt Partner
Do you know what your spouse needs to feel loved? Do you know what you need to feel loved? I can help you create a plan that works to keep your marriage alive.
Call 561-685-3933. I look forward to working with you.
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LET'S WALK THE TALK: As an experiment, I'm offering walking consultations during MARCH. On a trail suitable for making strides, we walk together and talk through problems. It's a fun and fruitful way to receive therapy.
"Walk the Talk" consultations take place on my home turf
in Boynton Beach, Florida, a delightful destination for a
family vacation. Find out how relaxing it can be. If you choose, we can walk along the beach. You will be gaining two things at once..... Mind and body fitness!
SAVING MARRIAGES - Take a trip to Florida
For Couples who are serious about healing their relationship. Are you ready?
I teach couples how to restore trust.
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Top reasons to contact me
I will teach you how to:
Understand and comfort your partner even when you disagree. (conflict resolution)
Tell your partner what you want instead of expecting your partner to know. (To avoid mind-reading)
Stand your ground when it matters. (Direct communication, building your own self-esteem, and assertiveness) show your support for your partner's goals.
Listen to your partner. (Show affection, show love, empathy, interest)
Learn why a sincere effort to change can make a significant difference in your marriage. (People can usually recognize imposters)
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HEALING CONTRACT
Getting through your recovery you will need to take care of yourself. Please print this contract.
My Contract for Self-Care (You may print for personal use)
I am an important person.
I will continue to take care of myself.
I will start and exercise program to help my sadness and angry feelings. My exercise program will help to raise my self-esteem.
I will do something special for myself each day. ex. Buy some flowers, get a facial, massage, buy a book, watch a good movie, take a walk, call a friend, take a trip, go out for lunch, take a bubble bath, start a new hobby, take an academic course, join a bowling league, walk or run for a charity, take dance lessons, go golfing, fishing.
I will start a journal to write down my feelings.
I will talk out my feelings with a trusted person.
I will keep talking all I want about this.
I will realize I am grieving and that these feelings will pass.
I will realize I have the strength to recover, and I will go to this page for relaxation exercises;
I will come out of this stronger than I have ever been. I will accept the things that I have no control over.
I will go one day at a time. Signature_____________________________ Date__________________________________ copyright 2004
Relaxation: http://www.purplepill.com/nexium_users/relaxation/relax.
Tip for healing: Journal writing is well recognized as a valuable tool to develop understanding and sort out what you are feeling. Personal journal writing gives us an opportunity to reflect on what we have learned and to make connections between our own ideas, feelings and other people's knowledge. When we feel confused, anxious and overwhelmed, writing our thoughts down can help sort out our emotions and situations. It will help you to see your situation in a new light. Keeping a record of our feelings helps us to look at how our feelings, perceptions and thoughts have changed over time. Try to spend 15 minutes a day writing down your thoughts and feelings. At the end of the week, read it. You can evaluate your progress each week. Sit in a comfortable chair, take a deep breath, and start writing. Keep it up for 20 minutes without stopping. See what comes out. If you are having trouble putting your finger on what's bothering you, this may help you narrow the field. Another journaling tip is to focus a 20-minute writing session on a problem or concern that keeps coming back to your mind over and over. Write down, in detail, what it is about this problem that worries or angers you. Predict three different scenarios for what might happen next. Which one do you like best and why? What role might you play in making each scenario come to pass? Just remember, that how you write is not important. You're not going to be graded. Jot down phrases; skip the punctuation if you feel like it. This doesn't have to be perfect. To make the process more pleasing, buying a journal that you will really enjoy using -- perhaps one with pictures, or one with colored pages -- and using pens or colored pencils that are fun and appealing. Just start to write. Don't expect your writing to be monumental. It's the process that's important.
Food For Thought
Admitting Fault by Karen Horney
If I look at a problem that I am involved with from all angles, I may come to see that I am partially at fault for a miscommunication or a destructive dynamic. If this happens, I will need to have the strength of character to admit my own fault to myself rather than to blame another. After I get this far, I may see that a change in my behavior is necessary in order to set the situation in a more positive motion; it will improve my side of the dynamic.
Even if we recognize a conflict as such, we must be willing and able to renounce one of the two contradictory issues. But the capacity for clear and conscious renunciation is rare, because our feelings and beliefs are muddled, and perhaps because in the last analysis most people are not secure and happy enough to renounce anything. Finally, to make a decision presupposes the willingness and capacity to assume responsibility for it. This would include the risk of making a wrong decision and the willingness to bear the consequences without blaming others for them.
An exercise for you today!
Have you thought about how you can you take your negative thoughts and change them into positive thoughts today?
___________________________________________________________RESEARCH - Infidelity and TALK SHOWS
I have been asked by several talk show producers to appear on public television to discuss infidelity issues. They have asked me to bring a couple who was willing to discuss their problems. I have refused all requests due to respecting my couple’s privacy.
I am currently conducting a formal research project that deals with couples who have been hurt by infidelity and have appeared on talk shows, i.e. Oprah Winfrey.
The study will look at the pros and cons of revealing personal information on National television.
If you have appeared on a talk show to discuss your situation, please contact me. Your name will be kept confidential. I am also interested in the general publics
Thoughts on airing their private lives on television. You can contact me at 561-685-3933 or email: lcsw@drbalternatives.com
Steve Gamlin writes
Motivational Humorist/Author
Location
Greater Boston Area
Donna,
Congratulations on staying true to your clients in that situation. I am not sure that all people would be able to show such professionalism in the face of that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Steve
You can review the poll on linkedin.com
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What else do I do:
I have dedicated my life to helping people heal from emotional pain whether it is from relationship issues, drug/alcohol abuse, co-dependency, divorce, parenting issues, illness and grief and loss.
As a clinician, I work with young, middle-age and senior adults. I am sensitive to many issues and maintain a non-judgmental attitude.
I love the work that I do and cannot think of anything else that I'd rather do.
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NO MONEY FOR COUNSELING?
"I Don't Have Time to Get Help or the Money to get help with my problem."
Through the years, I have often heard the excuse given by the person in need of help that they "don't have the time or the money to dedicate themselves to changing their lives. Their mental health is low on the priority list. But if they contemplate the time currently spent losing sleep, worrying, using alcohol/drugs their precious time is money wasted. If they can project into the future, they must consider that without help the quality of life lost will continue to diminish even more.
A person can learn the tools to begin a new life free from the chains of emotional distress. The health benefits alone are too numerous to list and should be sufficient to motivate someone to enter counseling.
I have heard people find any number of excuses why they can't or don't need to receive professional help from clinicians who are trained and experienced in helping men and women change their lives. Taking the first step is difficult.
Isn't it time that you make yourself a priority? Always discuss your financial circumstances with your therapist to see if they can adjust their fees. There are several agencies in your area that will work with you on a sliding-scale and some agencies will slide their fees and make it more affordable. ___________________________________________________________
Fees:
My fees are comparable to current fees charged by other therapists in the area. A session lasts for 50 minutes. Payment is expected at the time of service and I accept check or cash. I am not contracted with any managed care providers. However, I can provide you with a detailed statement that contains the information you will need to seek reimbursement from traditional insurers or from health care spending accounts. For clients with PPO plans that allow them to see "out of plan providers", these statements are typically sufficient to obtain reimbursement. However, you may face a deductible before coverage begins. I choose not to work with managed care insurance companies to ensure my clients maximum privacy and to maintain flexibility in treatment planning.
You can reach me at 561-685-3933. I will return your call within 24 hours.
Visit me on Linkedin.com
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I received this email recently:
Received this email recently: Thank you for educating therapists about affairs, ours had no clue and I think may have made things worse.
I do train therapists how to work with people recovering from the pain of infidelity. Suggest your therapist contact me if you are not improving and moving forward.
561-685-3933 or lcsw@drbalternatives
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MORE RESEARCH
I received a request to help out with their research project posting it here.
REQUEST for PARTICIPANTS
At present, I am conducting a web-based study on infidelity: http://www.infidelitystudy.org. The goal of the research is to enhance the understanding of how people respond to infidelity and how they differ in their responses. The study has been approved by the Institutional Review Board of the University of California, Davis (I am collaborating with Richard W. Robins, PhD, from UC Davis). We are trying to contact participants by posting information on the internet.
Sincerely,
Ulrich Orth
Prof. Dr. Ulrich Orth
Department of Psychology
University of Basel
Birmannsgasse 8
4055 Basel
Switzerland
+41 61 267 02 27 (Phone)
+41 61 267 02 74 (Fax)
ulrich.orth@unibas.ch
http://www.psycho.unibas.ch
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Please visit our advertisers:
http://www.aviva.co.uk/life/
While we cannot endorse their businesses we are grateful for their support in keeping this website alive!
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I welcome your feedback of how I could improve the web site. Let me know what you need!
Email: lcsw@drbalternatives.com
or phone 561-685-3933
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Since 1998 the DRB Alternatives site has been enormously successful at providing on-line help
and hope for people dealing with issues relating to infidelity.
Here is what some of our members have said …
“I want to thank you for this board. I have been going to counseling for a long time
and reading posts on this board has meant more to me. It has validated feelings that I couldn’t
explain (like going from loving thoughts of my husband to hating him). I have learned that
there is compassion for everyone on this board because we all understand the pain of betrayal.
This board is something I do just for me and it sure helps!!”
“I have a home here in this community. This site has had a significant impact on
my own travails. It is cruel irony that, at a time when you most need support, you find yourself
seemingly alone with your pain and sadness. One good thing to come from all of this: I have
been more able to express (my) emotions. You won’t always agree with the postings, but
this site is guaranteed to help you develop healthier ways of dealing with this horrible trauma.”
“My therapist too thinks that this is a very positive step, and helpful in the healing
process. He was happy to hear that there is such a site. He thought it was great that I was
sharing my story as well, and not just reading other people’s postings. Don’t know
what I would have done without all of you...”
“Thank you for this board. It has been a sanity saver for so many of us. I wonder
if you know how much and how many of us this message has helped, how very grateful most of
us are to have happened upon this place.”
“For so many of us this is the calm in the storm. Thank you again for this oasis.
God bless you for this service.”
*Please Note – To protect the privacy of our community participants we have
omitted their names and/or internet handles.
Our Site is Changing, Not Our Message
Based on the positive feedback we received, we knew we were on the right track. However, we
also realized that with so many people visiting our site, it was becoming difficult to manage.
Since our goal was to offer meaningful help to those serious about healing themselves and helping
others, we have decided to make our site open only to those who make a commitment to join the
group.
This “members only” venue gives people a safe environment in which to connect with
others who wish to heal and to start over. * Our site is especially valuable to those who may
not have a support group available in their community, or who, for whatever reason, are more
comfortable with an on-line group. Our site provides self-help support with the feel of a face-to-face
group.
For those who are in counseling and for those who are not
Whether people are receiving formal counseling or not, this group can provide valuable feedback
and encouragement from other people dealing with the same issues. In fact, many referrals to
our group will come from therapists and employee assistance professionals, who believe that
this community will help their clients through the healing process.
Members who are currently in formal counseling may invite their therapist to visit and evaluate
our site. (Therapists, who wish to visit, must provide their name and state license number to
us for verification.) We also have guest speakers on the site from time to time, and any therapist
interested in becoming a guest speaker should contact us with credentialing information.
Our new site offers several self-help options for our members. A Message Board will be available for postings and the site will, of course,
remain open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
Membership is open to all who are hurting and healing from the pain of infidelity, and to those
who wish to learn, grow and share perspectives with others who care. Our goal is to keep this
community safe and supportive, free from conflict and stress—a place where members can
come together to help one another.
Membership Information
Membership information will be kept strictly confidential. Your name and other personal information
will never be shared with any other member or organization.
Your $12.95 membership includes…
